Rabu, 20 November 2013

Squeeze machines, Panic attacks and Changes.

Oh my goodness you guys! Due to a surprising turn of events that happened via Facebook over the weekend, I feel I can finally introduce you to the man in my life. Weeks ago, I had a horrible dream that my blog would be used against me in my divorce, so I have been incredibly iffy about posting anything that has to do with my new life here. Not that I think my ex is that vicious but this is the one place that I try to be honest and I'd hate for my honesty to be used against me. I'm sure he or his current girlfriend know of my blog address. I mean, I did make this blog when he and I were together. 

Right now, I want to be honest about a few nights ago.

I was lying in bed, having a very emotional night. It was one of those nights, when you're getting a divorce, where you wonder what you are doing, why you're doing it and all you want to do is go back home. And then it hits you. You don't have a home to go back to. You're even currently in a temporary dwelling. You and your son are nomads and have to move out in 2 1/2 months. And even though you were promised the income tax check to help you move on with your life, a few days ago you also realize that there might be a possibility that you don't receive anything this year because your ex makes way too much money. (I'm sure you know now that YOU refers to ME at this point lol). It's such a surreal feeling to actually know you don't have anything anymore. That your foundation had been stripped. And it freaked me the hell out. I cried hysterically. All of my emotions fell out into the forms of tears all over my pillows. I couldn't think straight. I started thinking things that I never thought I would. About going back. Forcing myself to make it work. I just wanted to feel safe and secure because I had never been this scared before in my life. Not even when I was in basic training, not even when I was giving birth. I had never felt this feeling before. And I did this. I chose this path. Man you guys, do not get a divorce unless its really what you want because what follows after is quite terrible but life changing. And it doesn't hit you until its almost time for you to be on your own. You had built this whole life then chose to rip it down and start over. You no longer have the funds you had, you lose family etc. It's horrible and to be honest I've suffered quite silently.

So I laid there, having one of the worst panic attacks I'd ever had in my entire life. I clung on to my sons Daddy Doll (because it was in the vicinity and I needed something with more cushion to press my chest into), preached to God some things I'm not sure I even believed myself and willed it. Have you ever willed something? Where you want it so bad you can feel your body pushing towards it with all its might? All this pressure? Well that's what I did. I willed what I asked for. And all of a sudden, I felt the most calming pressure push against my body. A feeling I had never felt before. Have you ever heard of Temple Grandins squeeze machine? 

Well if not, it's a machine that was made by an Autistic professor to help her calm down when she had anxiety or panic attacks. (By the way, if you haven't seen the Temple Grandin movie featuring Claire Danes, you should). Anyway, I discovered after watching the movie, that I too reacted to hugs that are somewhat similar to squeeze machines pressures. And that's exactly what I felt at the end of the panic attack. Pressure. And a sensation that everything will be alright. And I had become so calm, that I drifted off to sleep. When I woke up, I stumbled upon something via Facebook that was the complete opposite of what I asked for during the panic attack. As a matter of fact, it even confirmed that there was no going back. And I was okay with that. And I felt the biggest sigh of relief that I no longer needed to hide anything about my life anymore on here.

And then I got the sweetest text message, immediately after this discovery, from the man in my life. And it reaffirmed that I was going to be okay and my future is incredibly bright. So! Expect a new post tomorrow. Particularly expect an introduction post ;) See you then!